A Weekend of Fun

Hi All

Well what a weekend that was! I can’t remember most of it, which just proves how great it was! A cracking 2-0 win against Fylde was sandwiched between me taking the missus to nearby Blackpool for the weekend.

I met my assistant, Peter Lewin, for a few drinks in Blackpool, whilst the wife unpacked our bags. These ‘few drinks’ turned into an 8-hour bender as we toured Blackpool’s karaoke bars (but didn’t sing, obviously) and paid for a lap dance in this dungy bar I’ve forgot the name of. Now I’m more worried about Carlo finding out as he’s about to open a rival club in Blackpool and I don’t think he’ll be happy about us going for ‘the competition’, so to speak. The wife would be fine about it, I’m sure.

Can I just pass my thanks on to Bunny from Preston who danced for us. She was never worth £20, as she didn’t seem impressed after I told her that I used to play for Preston in the 90’s. Stupid cow! Anyway I can’t remember what happened from then, I knew I shouldn’t have started drinking them WKD’s! Bloody ‘Tart Fuel’ more like!

Saturday was all about a cracking performance from the lads - Darren McAuley got both the goals in a 2-0 win, which was marred by Peter taking out the referee and getting a second yellow card. I wasn’t too happy about Carlo not wanting to shell out for a hotel for the boys to stay in Blackpool. He can be a tight bastard sometimes! The rest of the team all went home while I went back to Blackpool to see the wife who had gone shopping.

We eventually met up, as I was pacing up and down the hotel room worrying about her, and we went out for a nice meal. Our relationship is as strong as it ever was

So a good weekend in all, let’s hope we can continue our great form and that Carlo doesn’t find out about our ‘shenanigans’ in Blackpool.

Cheers

Paul

A difficult month, turned good

Hi all

It’s been a while I know, but thanks to last month’s shenanigans down in London I had to suspend coming out in the press (not in that way, I’m a happily married man, to a woman I hasten to add). Thankfully our chairman, Carlo Marco, got involved and everything finally got sorted with the law. So look out for the pre-season report soon!

Meanwhile, the season has got underway for us and I’m happy with the start we’ve made. A 4-0 win against Salford City was followed up a by a well-earned point against Lancaster as the match ended goalless. So far, it’s played 6, won 3 and drawn 3. Our first home match was against Warrington Town, which gave us three points as well as two streakers. Sadly they were both male and both my substitutions. They have been disciplined.

We’re currently unbeaten and lie 3rd in the Unibond League North. It’s a decent start but we want to start turning these draws into wins, so we can put pressure on the top of the table. Carlo has been putting his own kind of pressure on certain members of the referees panel, but he’s denied slipping some of them some free vouchers for his lap dancing club. So he bung them £50 each instead.

But I must say that the dancers at his club are quality, not that I know like.

So with a big month coming up, lets hope we can continue our decent start and our ascent to the top of the table!

Cheers

Paul

(Un)friendly matches

Hi All

Sorry for the lack of updates but myself and the boys have been busy training hard and playing (un)friendly matches.

We have just come back from a tour of the University’s of Southern England, which was interesting to say the least. Hopefully, I’ll be able to give you a full report soon. I’m just waiting for the go ahead from the Metropolitan Police to be able to publish the events of what happened during the last match against King’s College. 3 of our players are still in the nick.

Life at home is getting better, or worse, whichever way you look at it. The missus has finally moved up north now and immediately starting barking out orders but looking beautiful as ever. Bloody women, they just can’t get it right can they? She should be out on the football pitch with a gob like that anyway, we could do with some organisation!

Anyway, I’ll get on the blower to the fuzz and will hopefully let you know of these events of what happened down London soon! They can even keep the players who were banged up - they’re shit anyway!

We’ve got a match against a Man Utd XI (that means 11) next week, so it’s our last big match before the season starts, I hope to see you all down at Polo’s Stadium and cheering on the lads!

Cheers

Paul

Trip To Scouseland

Hi all

It’s been a busy few weeks since I became the manager of Beechside. Apart from whipping the lads into shape during training, my assistant, Peter Lewin and I procured two cheap-day returns to Liverpool, as we attempted to sign a young, former Liverpool youth player.

Here’s how the day went:

7am – Woke up in bed (obviously) at Darklands B+B, just outside Morecambe. The wife is still in London ‘tying up loose ends’ before we house-hunt up here. We haven’t argued at all, as our relationship remains as strong as it ever was.

10am – After a ‘quick breakfast’, I meet up with Peter who has been working all night, during his first shift at Marco’s ‘Gentleman’s Club’. He’s looking pretty tired but comes up with the goodies – the two train tickets and the two bottles of Fosters Ice, he’s nicked from the fridges at the club! These should keep us warm until we wait for the off-peak trains to start. Cheers!

12pm – After a short delay, we arrive in Liverpool and are met with a sea of flowers and teddy bears. After a while, we realise that they’re not for us at all but for some poor dog that got run over.

3pm – After a couple of swift pints in ‘The Scouse’, we meet up with the agent, who happens to the player's Dad. He’s a cheeky fellow, as all scousers are, if you believe the hype. And we do believe the hype.

4pm – We just get inside the Young Offenders Intuition, the flashing of free passes for Marco’s Liverpool branch of his ‘Gentleman’s Club’ soon changed their minds. Some things never change, eh?

5pm – We’re back in ‘The Scouse’ celebrating our first signing, as Darren McAuley has agreed a three year contract, one year of which will be done on tag, as agreed with the probation officer. We’re still in the dark about why he was there in the first place, but Marco seems relaxed enough when we ring him up and tell him the good news.

11pm – Arrive back at the B+B totally bladdered, Peter has gone off to work for Marco, that’s 24 hours he’s been working for! The wife has been trying to contact me but I couldn’t give a toss. She knows where I am if she wants me. Not that there’s anything wrong with our relationship of course.

So I’m delighted to welcome Darren to club and so far in training, he’s been looking good. Once he finishes having a shower, I would like to see how good a footballer he is!

That’s footballers banter for you, there’s nothing like it!

So we’re gearing up to play a number of friendlies in the next few weeks, so we’re really looking forward to ‘getting stuck in’ as the new season approaches.

Cheers

Paul

A Bit About Myself...

Hi All

For those who don’t know me, here’s a bit about myself!

I started my playing career at my hometown side Morecambe, during which I played schoolboy football for England. I was thrown out for bullying. I would go on play for 24 different clubs during my career, including Glasgow Rangers, Manchester City, Preston North End and Motherwell.

While at Motherwell, we played Manchester United in a pre-season match. Alex Ferguson was giving me so much abuse that I punched him so hard, he nearly choked on his chewing gum. I have never seen him since, although the restraining order may have played a part in that.

I also played international football for Malta, after I qualified for a passport through ancestry. I played 12 games for the Maltese national side, as well as a spell with local club Naxxar Lions. However my international career was brought to an abrupt halt after it was discovered the proof that entitled me to a Maltese passport, was forged. Even though I was cleared of any wrong doing, I was unable to claim asylum in Malta.

I returned to England to play for Morecambe again before I was given a chance to play at Preston. It was during an away game at QPR that I met my lovely wife Jayne, obviously we weren’t married at the time! She’s a yoga teacher and a cracking cleaner.

I would end my career during my fourth spell at Morecambe when I may or may not have been involved in the closure and demise of the town’s ‘Frontierland’ theme park. I did have quite a lot of money to spend afterwards, the lucky missus got the most expensive cleaning products money could buy!

We used the winnings to move down to London and I took all my coaching badges. Before I knew it, I was coaching young boys at the F.A Centre of Excellent, the wife got her own yoga studio and everything was rosy!

That was until I received a call off one of my old business associates, Carlo Marco. He’s a self-made millionaire who owns a chain of ‘gentleman’s clubs’ among other things. He wanted me to manage Beechside, a non-league side he had recently bought. Myself and the wife didn’t want to move, so after some hard thinking I took up the offer and she came with me. Of course, our sudden change-of-heart has got nothing to do with my ‘business dealings’ with Carlo.

So here I am, about to embark on my first season in football management. Our target is promotion to Conference North and I can’t see any reason why we can’t do that, unless Carlo’s money runs out! And believe me – Man Utd would go bust before he does! Oh, wait a minute…never mind!

Cheers

Paul

Welcome!

Hi All

Let me kick off this blog by saying how delighted I am to be appointed as manager of Beechside. They are an ambitious club with designs of getting into the Football League. With the club’s wealthy owner, Carlo Marco, at the helm then I’m sure this won’t be a problem. But money is never a guarantee of success in football, so we’re going to have to work hard to succeed.

I’m equally delighted to announce my second signing, my old friend from my playing days at Rangers and Morecambe, Peter Lewin, has agreed to take up a player-coaching role at Beechside, as well as working with Carlo, in his business ventures.

I bet you’re wondering what my first signing is, aren’t you? Well it was an application form for membership of Polo’s Gentleman’s Club and Bar, the only place to enjoy yourself after a match. The owner of Polo’s, our very own chairman Carlo Marco, would like me to inform you that every season ticket holder is entitled to a free bottle of champagne and ‘off-the-cuff entertainment’ from two of our finest ladies, if you sign up and become a member. Go on, treat yourself – I have and I’m married!

So as well as househunting with the wife (she’s from London, so she’s pretty clueless about anywhere north of Watford) I’m going to be planning our pre-season programme, so watch this space for updates. Myself and Peter are also going to be looking at the squad when they come back for Pre-Season training next week and then deciding where we need to strengthen.

So with all this in mind, let’s look forward to a (hopefully) successful season at the Polo’s Gentleman’s Club Stadium. Look out everyone in the Unibond!

Cheers

Paul

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