Bungs, Urgent Calls and Arson Attacks

Hi All

Well after our first defeat of the season, a 1-0 reserve at Kendal. I took the lads to a local pool hall for a bit of co-ordination practice. Now I would have taken them to Carlo’s Gentleman’s Club, but the floors in there are being relayed. He wanted us to go to his new club in Blackpool but I went against his wishes and sought out a former team-mate of mine, Barry Cole, who owns ‘Coley’s Hole’ - a dark and damp pool hall/mock-up beach bar on the outskirts of Morecambe town centre.

Anyway, I took the wife along to make up for not being around as much. This week I’ve been moving office in the ground and just haven’t had time to fiddle with my new Internet passion that is Second Life, never mind doing the same to the wife. Our relationship is fine before anyone asks.

Despite the lack of time together, the wife really does seem pleased with herself these days. I think it must be the fact that she’s struck a deal with a pole dancing teacher, who will hire out the wife’s new yoga studio. Which reminds me, that dodgy little scouse prick, Darren McAuley, has signed up for one of her yoga classes. He’s just finished his second week and he looks pleased as the wife for some reason. Well, I bunged one of the Kendal lads to take the bastard out. He did just that and despite Darren being out for at least 2 weeks, I’m really pleased. He was getting too big for his boots and hopefully this will bring him down a peg or two.

Anyway, the night at the pool hall went well. I switched my phone off and had a great time with the lads. The missus was a diamond as she took our drinks orders without a word, to anyone. It was only when I switched my phone back on was when I saw that I had 12 missed calls off Carlo. I tried to ring back but he wasn’t in. ‘Bollocks to him’, I thought.

Now this is where the bad news comes in. The following moring, my phone had more missed calls again. I had switched the phone off as I was having a night of passion with the missus. Well I enjoyed it anyway. It turned out that Barry had tried to ring me, so when I rang him back he told me that his pool hall had been burnt down in what seemed to be an act of arson. Thankfully he’s got insurance with a firm that Carlo has just recently invested in, so he should be fine. Shocking business though.

Anyway, before I sign off, I’m contractually obliged to let you know that Carlo has opened a new pool and snooker hall, just a five minute walk from the newly-burnt out Coley’s Hole. For some reason he’s decided to expand this side of his business. I can’t help but feel a bit awkward that we went to Coley’s in the first place.

Anyway, speak you soon!

Cheers

Paul

Interweb Geeks Are Not Freaks - Ok?

Hi All

It’s been an interesting few weeks at Beechside. We’ve moved to the top of the league and nobody seems arsed. The locals seem more interested in holding autumn fates and burning witches than supporting their local football club. The crowds we get here are around the 190 mark, which isn’t bad for this level, it just isn’t enough if we want to progress further up the football pyramid.

We’ve been winning more than a spoilt brat quite recently though. A 4-1 home win against Leigh Genesis was the highlight, if only for me telling ex-Blackburn striker Matt Jansen to F**k off. It put him off and he was never in the game. It took a while for me to realise he wasn’t actually playing.

Carlo’s been handing out free passes to his Gentleman’s Club to the lads, to show his gratitude for their current form. Unfortunately none of the players own a decent pair of clothes, so they are never allowed in. Not sure if they flogged them to anybody, but a group of fans seemed a little too well-dressed to be attending a home match against Prescot.

Last week, I visited a local computer geek, Simon Dreary, who apart from showing me how to delete cookies from my computer, he also gave me some great kit. One piece of which is a nice little program that can track where a player is and how far he runs, so I can now keep track of the bastards AFTER training. This is very helpful if you’re busy with a players’ wife.

I was at Si’s (he doesn’t like me calling him that) for hours, the homebrew mild he had was only part the reason, the other was this free online interweb game called ‘Second Life’. Now don’t let any of its users hear you calling it a ‘game’ as they get very defensive and believe this virtual world is actually real.

Second Life is basically a 3-D virtual world that allows you to take control of your own person (or ‘avatar’, as they’re called) and travel to countless other places (called ‘Sims’) in the game and interact with people from around the world. Each of the Sims in Second Life are built by other users and it’s even possible to get jobs in there and earn virtual money to buy a house or a lap dancer, for example. By the stickiness of Si’s monitor, I 'came' to the conclusion that he had also had fun in ‘purchasing’ a few virtual ladies himself!

It’s a cracking game and you can do almost anything on there. I walked around a crap version of Paris in 1900 and then I was pestering lap dancers in a Carlo-type ‘Gentleman’s Club’ five minutes later! In fact, the only thing that the game doesn’t do is provide you with an angry, premenstrual, 30-year old Yoga instructor, who also happens to be your wife. My marriage is fine before anyone asks.

You can view more information and download the game from the Second Life website.

So it’s been a busy few weeks and it’s going to get even busier, as I will probably spend more time playing Second Life than bollocking young lads on a windswept football pitch! Stay tuned as hopefully we’ll be able to stay at the top of the table, as well as knowing what every player is doing and where.

Cheers

Paul