Wednesday, 9 December 2009

A Quick (Christmas) Peep

Just a quick blog post this time around, as it’s been a busy few weeks here at Beechside. We’ve slipped to 3rd in the table but I’m confident we’ll get back to the top come the New Year. Carlo’s been having a word with a couple of referee’s and my assistant, Peter, has been sent out for some brown envelops as I write this, so watch this space!

In other news – I’ve already done my Christmas shopping! I’ve got the missus a brand-new washing machine (she’ll love that), Peter a bottle of whiskey and the young bird in the catering hut – not a clue. I’m toying with the idea of slipping one the many pieces of jewellery I’ve bought for the wife over the years, into a Christmas card or something. With girls being shallow nowadays, I’m sure she’ll love it. It might even get me a ‘bit’, who knows?

Anyway, I’m busy training the lads at the moment and looking on the interweb for possible Christmas party venues – that tight bastard Carlo wants us to have it at his Gentleman’s Club but he wants to charge us an insane price per head. Bollocks to that, I’m looking elsewhere!

So I’ve got to go now, will try and post something before Christmas and let you know how we’ve got on both on and off the field and more importantly – if I’ve cracked that young lass without the missus finding out!



Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Scouting For (Young) Boys

Hi all

Apologies for the lack of updates, but let’s face it – you aren’t really arsed are you? Things have been quiet at the club after last month’s ‘fire incident’ at the Pool Hall. Carlo’s been keeping a low profile, in fact I haven’t seen him for a week, which is strange as he’s always around.

In his absence, the young lass who does the catering, I forget her name, has been doing various tasks in the office. She’s at university and works with her ‘Nan’ in the club bar on match days and like all students - she well fit! I better not let the wife read this!

So with Christmas coming up, I better make a move sooner or later – or else I’ll lose precious blackmailing time. I just hope this student hottie doesn’t find not that I never won the European Cup with Ajax in 1995, she seemed quite impressed. If I’m to bag her, a bit of manipulation will have to come into play to keep things sweet.

Before anyone comments - she’s 18, so she’s well legal!

Speaking of young girls and infidelity, I’ve added a new player to our ranks after watching ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’. Andy Gibson is a former Everton youth player who seemed devastated that the baby he had with his intoxicating tracksuited-ladyfriend, wasn’t actually his. Apparently the lass shared a bath towel with her brother or something. Sadly she’s only 15, which was bizarrely pointed out by Carlo. A day later, Andy turned down a lucrative contract with Tranmere has agreed to sign for us, as well as working for Carlo as his gofer. A bit of a strange decision that if you ask me!

I’m delighted with the signing – Andy is a cracking midfielder who has got a brilliant future in the game if he keeps his head screwed on. I’m equally-delighted that my totally-original idea of using the telly to scout players has paid off. We’ve already made contact with the actor who played the Mexican lad in the film ‘Goal’ and talks seem positive. The Chuckle Brothers also looked half-decent in the episode where they played for Rotherham. That’s a joke by the way - we could never afford them!

I’ll tell you what – that Jeremy Kyle Show has some ruff characters on doesn’t it? I could seriously fill my boots with the fillies on there! And the best thing is – I probably wouldn’t have to pay for it!

Can I add that my marriage is fine and there’s no sign of any problems. So with that – I’ll speak to you soon!



Monday, 26 October 2009

Bungs, Urgent Calls and Arson Attacks

Hi All

Well after our first defeat of the season, a 1-0 reserve at Kendal. I took the lads to a local pool hall for a bit of co-ordination practice. Now I would have taken them to Carlo’s Gentleman’s Club, but the floors in there are being relayed. He wanted us to go to his new club in Blackpool but I went against his wishes and sought out a former team-mate of mine, Barry Cole, who owns ‘Coley’s Hole’ - a dark and damp pool hall/mock-up beach bar on the outskirts of Morecambe town centre.

Anyway, I took the wife along to make up for not being around as much. This week I’ve been moving office in the ground and just haven’t had time to fiddle with my new Internet passion that is Second Life, never mind doing the same to the wife. Our relationship is fine before anyone asks.

Despite the lack of time together, the wife really does seem pleased with herself these days. I think it must be the fact that she’s struck a deal with a pole dancing teacher, who will hire out the wife’s new yoga studio. Which reminds me, that dodgy little scouse prick, Darren McAuley, has signed up for one of her yoga classes. He’s just finished his second week and he looks pleased as the wife for some reason. Well, I bunged one of the Kendal lads to take the bastard out. He did just that and despite Darren being out for at least 2 weeks, I’m really pleased. He was getting too big for his boots and hopefully this will bring him down a peg or two.

Anyway, the night at the pool hall went well. I switched my phone off and had a great time with the lads. The missus was a diamond as she took our drinks orders without a word, to anyone. It was only when I switched my phone back on was when I saw that I had 12 missed calls off Carlo. I tried to ring back but he wasn’t in. ‘Bollocks to him’, I thought.

Now this is where the bad news comes in. The following moring, my phone had more missed calls again. I had switched the phone off as I was having a night of passion with the missus. Well I enjoyed it anyway. It turned out that Barry had tried to ring me, so when I rang him back he told me that his pool hall had been burnt down in what seemed to be an act of arson. Thankfully he’s got insurance with a firm that Carlo has just recently invested in, so he should be fine. Shocking business though.

Anyway, before I sign off, I’m contractually obliged to let you know that Carlo has opened a new pool and snooker hall, just a five minute walk from the newly-burnt out Coley’s Hole. For some reason he’s decided to expand this side of his business. I can’t help but feel a bit awkward that we went to Coley’s in the first place.

Anyway, speak you soon!



Monday, 5 October 2009

Interweb Geeks Are Not Freaks - Ok?

Hi All

It’s been an interesting few weeks at Beechside. We’ve moved to the top of the league and nobody seems arsed. The locals seem more interested in holding autumn fates and burning witches than supporting their local football club. The crowds we get here are around the 190 mark, which isn’t bad for this level, it just isn’t enough if we want to progress further up the football pyramid.

We’ve been winning more than a spoilt brat quite recently though. A 4-1 home win against Leigh Genesis was the highlight, if only for me telling ex-Blackburn striker Matt Jansen to F**k off. It put him off and he was never in the game. It took a while for me to realise he wasn’t actually playing.

Carlo’s been handing out free passes to his Gentleman’s Club to the lads, to show his gratitude for their current form. Unfortunately none of the players own a decent pair of clothes, so they are never allowed in. Not sure if they flogged them to anybody, but a group of fans seemed a little too well-dressed to be attending a home match against Prescot.

Last week, I visited a local computer geek, Simon Dreary, who apart from showing me how to delete cookies from my computer, he also gave me some great kit. One piece of which is a nice little program that can track where a player is and how far he runs, so I can now keep track of the bastards AFTER training. This is very helpful if you’re busy with a players’ wife.

I was at Si’s (he doesn’t like me calling him that) for hours, the homebrew mild he had was only part the reason, the other was this free online interweb game called ‘Second Life’. Now don’t let any of its users hear you calling it a ‘game’ as they get very defensive and believe this virtual world is actually real.

Second Life is basically a 3-D virtual world that allows you to take control of your own person (or ‘avatar’, as they’re called) and travel to countless other places (called ‘Sims’) in the game and interact with people from around the world. Each of the Sims in Second Life are built by other users and it’s even possible to get jobs in there and earn virtual money to buy a house or a lap dancer, for example. By the stickiness of Si’s monitor, I 'came' to the conclusion that he had also had fun in ‘purchasing’ a few virtual ladies himself!

It’s a cracking game and you can do almost anything on there. I walked around a crap version of Paris in 1900 and then I was pestering lap dancers in a Carlo-type ‘Gentleman’s Club’ five minutes later! In fact, the only thing that the game doesn’t do is provide you with an angry, premenstrual, 30-year old Yoga instructor, who also happens to be your wife. My marriage is fine before anyone asks.

You can view more information and download the game from the Second Life website.

So it’s been a busy few weeks and it’s going to get even busier, as I will probably spend more time playing Second Life than bollocking young lads on a windswept football pitch! Stay tuned as hopefully we’ll be able to stay at the top of the table, as well as knowing what every player is doing and where.



Tuesday, 15 September 2009

A Weekend of Fun

Hi All

Well what a weekend that was! I can’t remember most of it, which just proves how great it was! A cracking 2-0 win against Fylde was sandwiched between me taking the missus to nearby Blackpool for the weekend.

I met my assistant, Peter Lewin, for a few drinks in Blackpool, whilst the wife unpacked our bags. These ‘few drinks’ turned into an 8-hour bender as we toured Blackpool’s karaoke bars (but didn’t sing, obviously) and paid for a lap dance in this dungy bar I’ve forgot the name of. Now I’m more worried about Carlo finding out as he’s about to open a rival club in Blackpool and I don’t think he’ll be happy about us going for ‘the competition’, so to speak. The wife would be fine about it, I’m sure.

Can I just pass my thanks on to Bunny from Preston who danced for us. She was never worth £20, as she didn’t seem impressed after I told her that I used to play for Preston in the 90’s. Stupid cow! Anyway I can’t remember what happened from then, I knew I shouldn’t have started drinking them WKD’s! Bloody ‘Tart Fuel’ more like!

Saturday was all about a cracking performance from the lads - Darren McAuley got both the goals in a 2-0 win, which was marred by Peter taking out the referee and getting a second yellow card. I wasn’t too happy about Carlo not wanting to shell out for a hotel for the boys to stay in Blackpool. He can be a tight bastard sometimes! The rest of the team all went home while I went back to Blackpool to see the wife who had gone shopping.

We eventually met up, as I was pacing up and down the hotel room worrying about her, and we went out for a nice meal. Our relationship is as strong as it ever was

So a good weekend in all, let’s hope we can continue our great form and that Carlo doesn’t find out about our ‘shenanigans’ in Blackpool.



Monday, 7 September 2009

A difficult month, turned good

Hi all

It’s been a while I know, but thanks to last month’s shenanigans down in London I had to suspend coming out in the press (not in that way, I’m a happily married man, to a woman I hasten to add). Thankfully our chairman, Carlo Marco, got involved and everything finally got sorted with the law. So look out for the pre-season report soon!

Meanwhile, the season has got underway for us and I’m happy with the start we’ve made. A 4-0 win against Salford City was followed up a by a well-earned point against Lancaster as the match ended goalless. So far, it’s played 6, won 3 and drawn 3. Our first home match was against Warrington Town, which gave us three points as well as two streakers. Sadly they were both male and both my substitutions. They have been disciplined.

We’re currently unbeaten and lie 3rd in the Unibond League North. It’s a decent start but we want to start turning these draws into wins, so we can put pressure on the top of the table. Carlo has been putting his own kind of pressure on certain members of the referees panel, but he’s denied slipping some of them some free vouchers for his lap dancing club. So he bung them £50 each instead.

But I must say that the dancers at his club are quality, not that I know like.

So with a big month coming up, lets hope we can continue our decent start and our ascent to the top of the table!



Saturday, 1 August 2009

(Un)friendly matches

Hi All

Sorry for the lack of updates but myself and the boys have been busy training hard and playing (un)friendly matches.

We have just come back from a tour of the University’s of Southern England, which was interesting to say the least. Hopefully, I’ll be able to give you a full report soon. I’m just waiting for the go ahead from the Metropolitan Police to be able to publish the events of what happened during the last match against King’s College. 3 of our players are still in the nick.

Life at home is getting better, or worse, whichever way you look at it. The missus has finally moved up north now and immediately starting barking out orders but looking beautiful as ever. Bloody women, they just can’t get it right can they? She should be out on the football pitch with a gob like that anyway, we could do with some organisation!

Anyway, I’ll get on the blower to the fuzz and will hopefully let you know of these events of what happened down London soon! They can even keep the players who were banged up - they’re shit anyway!

We’ve got a match against a Man Utd XI (that means 11) next week, so it’s our last big match before the season starts, I hope to see you all down at Polo’s Stadium and cheering on the lads!